1 00:00:01,294 --> 00:00:03,755 Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens 2 00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,465 for a broken defraculator. 3 00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,676 That is multiphase quantum resonator. 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,512 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no. 5 00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,514 Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. 6 00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:14,516 Like you would even know dick about fraculation! 7 00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:16,226 Your planet just got cellphones, 8 00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:18,311 and the coverage still sucks! 9 00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,438 Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. 10 00:00:20,522 --> 00:00:22,273 So, let's say 60 smidgens. 11 00:00:22,357 --> 00:00:23,983 I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. 12 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,568 I'll throw in a fart. 13 00:00:25,652 --> 00:00:27,570 Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think 14 00:00:27,654 --> 00:00:29,405 maybe I could get something from this place, 15 00:00:29,489 --> 00:00:31,241 like a souvenir, like, just to have -- 16 00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:32,992 like, something cool, you know? 17 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,536 Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else. 18 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:36,829 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. 19 00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:38,831 Oh, okay. I just, um -- 20 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,500 you know, I thought that robot over there 21 00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:42,335 looked pretty cool, you know? 22 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,796 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? 23 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,422 Yeah! You know, I mean... 24 00:00:46,506 --> 00:00:48,132 it's different from the stuff on Earth, 25 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,134 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places 26 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,678 across the galaxy, 27 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:53,680 and, you know, I don't reality have anything to -- 28 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,640 to remember all those trips by. 29 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,642 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. 30 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,394 You know, like, what if you passed away 31 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:00,770 or died or something? 32 00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,564 I wouldn't even have anything to remember 33 00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,357 all the cool stuff we did, you know? 34 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,359 Okay. 60 for the resonator, 35 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,112 and my grandson wants the sex robot. 36 00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,861 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? 37 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,946 I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. 38 00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:53,781 Rick, why would you let Morty 39 00:01:53,865 --> 00:01:55,908 bring that thing into our house?! 40 00:01:55,992 --> 00:01:57,368 I don't know. What do you want from me? 41 00:01:57,452 --> 00:01:59,746 He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. 42 00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:00,663 You know what I mean? 43 00:02:00,747 --> 00:02:01,914 Whew! 44 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,420 Ahh. Ail right. 45 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,006 Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. 46 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,303 Well, I'm intervening. 47 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:16,971 Intervening with puberty? 48 00:02:17,055 --> 00:02:19,432 You’ll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." 49 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,560 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. 50 00:02:22,644 --> 00:02:25,104 Jesus. Did I reality set the bar that low? 51 00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:28,399 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- 52 00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:29,609 q-quickly? 53 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:33,613 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. 54 00:02:35,365 --> 00:02:37,116 Where's the sex robot, Morty? 55 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,327 That is Gwendolyn -- I-l mean, the robot! 56 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,829 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! 57 00:02:41,913 --> 00:02:43,498 Strange -- that's usually the man's job. 58 00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,208 You know what I'm talking about, Morty? 59 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,085 Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! 60 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,586 Morty! 61 00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,254 That's my catchphrase, remember? 62 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,924 Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? 63 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,342 All right. All right, seriously, though, 64 00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:55,551 let me grab this thing. 65 00:02:57,679 --> 00:02:59,472 Come on, you... rascal. 66 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,558 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on? 67 00:03:02,642 --> 00:03:04,394 All right. Uh-oh. 68 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 "Uh-oh"? What is that?! 69 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,272 Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed 70 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,733 for more than long weekends. 71 00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:14,529 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. 72 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,447 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, 73 00:03:16,531 --> 00:03:18,157 and that there's half Morty, half -- 74 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,159 who -- who knows wh-what? 75 00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:22,245 It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. 76 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,871 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 77 00:03:23,955 --> 00:03:25,540 What do you think you're doing?! 78 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,333 Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house 79 00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:29,085 when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. 80 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,254 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. 81 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,673 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. 82 00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:35,508 We gotta be careful. 83 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,510 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. 84 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,845 I'm a father now! 85 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,722 You know, it's time for me to be responsible. 86 00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,557 Isn't that right... - Don't name it. 87 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,559 - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. 88 00:03:44,642 --> 00:03:46,561 Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. 89 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:49,272 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- 90 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,274 Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. 91 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:52,692 Don't punish us for it. 92 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,235 Fine. 93 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,029 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. 94 00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:59,031 Do not let that thing out of your sight. 95 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:02,034 It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. 96 00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:04,036 Like The insane Clown Posse. 97 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,997 Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 98 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,624 2003 just catted. It wants its easy target back. 99 00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:10,793 Ohh. He's like a little me! 100 00:04:10,877 --> 00:04:13,880 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? 101 00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,506 They always do. 102 00:04:15,590 --> 00:04:17,842 Hey, uh, 1995 called! 103 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,343 They want their "certain year called 104 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,262 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! 105 00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,306 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? 106 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,558 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! 107 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,604 - Out. - Whatcha doin'? 108 00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,397 Well, I can't solve the problem my way, 109 00:04:31,481 --> 00:04:33,399 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. 110 00:04:33,483 --> 00:04:35,735 Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads. 111 00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,029 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr. 112 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:41,866 On this robot's home world, which is... 113 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,868 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system. 114 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,871 Scoot, Summer. - Don't you need a new companion 115 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,873 now that Morty's in the family way? 116 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,125 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. 117 00:04:51,209 --> 00:04:53,127 Oh, right -- because there's something about having a wiener 118 00:04:53,211 --> 00:04:55,630 that would make me better at walking through a hole? 119 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:58,758 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap. 120 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,718 Grandpa Rick! Ugh! 121 00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:03,221 Help! Help! Aah! Aah! 122 00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,809 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 123 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,477 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea 124 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,062 to go through holes without a wiener? 125 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,564 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh. 126 00:05:13,648 --> 00:05:15,024 Ugh! 127 00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:19,737 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet 128 00:05:19,821 --> 00:05:22,114 because of your stupid boobs. 129 00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:24,951 - You're doing great, Morty. - Really? You think? 130 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,786 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. 131 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,120 What do I do if it cries? 132 00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:30,331 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. 133 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,917 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, 134 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,127 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? 135 00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,629 Yes, she is. 136 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,631 She's gonna strip for attention 137 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,633 because she was denied it. 138 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,052 Stop filling it with your own insecurity. 139 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,221 You're gonna turn it into Morty -- 140 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,431 uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. 141 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,267 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles 142 00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,060 by a mentality ill scientist. 143 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,895 What the -- aah! Aah! 144 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,233 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. 145 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,901 Knock it off, both of you! 146 00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:00,736 G-Give me him! Give me my baby! 147 00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,530 You're both nuts! 148 00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,074 I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself! 149 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,743 ? Where's your hands? There's your hands ? 150 00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:10,371 ? And that's how we play handy hands ? 151 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,916 Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. 152 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,835 At least we can agree on that. 153 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,970 Thanks, Dum-Dum. 154 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,556 I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. 155 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,182 Summer, put your burqa on! 156 00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:32,184 That burqa is a human-rights violation, 157 00:06:32,268 --> 00:06:34,812 and I spent a lot on this top. 158 00:06:34,896 --> 00:06:36,647 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun 159 00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:38,065 with a bunch of sex-doll parts, 160 00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:39,483 and I have to do it one-handed 161 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,569 to keep these Belushis from carting you off. 162 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,738 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. 163 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,198 Ugh. What's the deal with this place? 164 00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:47,992 Why is it such a sausage planet, 165 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,328 and how did such backward idiots invent robots? 166 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:51,996 Obviously, at some point, 167 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,414 the Gazorpians became so evolved 168 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,958 that they replaced females with birthing machines. 169 00:06:56,042 --> 00:06:58,169 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking 170 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,129 allowed them to focus entirety on war, 171 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,131 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, 172 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,091 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy 173 00:07:04,175 --> 00:07:05,593 with sticks and rocks all day long. 174 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,762 You think it's efficient to get rid of women? 175 00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:09,847 You ever see a line for the men's room? 176 00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:11,599 Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? 177 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:14,727 Droppin' loads. 178 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,897 Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. 179 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,193 The plot thickens. 180 00:07:24,946 --> 00:07:27,031 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. 181 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,158 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. 182 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:32,036 Yeah, baby! 183 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,747 Summer, grab -- grab hold. 184 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,123 Yeah, baby! 185 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,583 Aaaah! 186 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,213 Grandpa Rick, where are we going? 187 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,839 Well, obviously, Summer, 188 00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:45,925 it appears the lower tier of this society 189 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,177 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology 190 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,930 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? 191 00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,890 Ticketmaster. 192 00:07:52,974 --> 00:07:54,976 Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. 193 00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,727 Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bro. 194 00:07:56,811 --> 00:07:58,562 Nice racket you got going on here. 195 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,399 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137. 196 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,651 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. 197 00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,529 It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" 198 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,864 is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. 199 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,411 Oh, I get it -- 200 00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:15,955 the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. 201 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,249 Silence! 202 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,671 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave? 203 00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,673 We assume you are from a more primitive word, 204 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,883 where men are still permitted to be servants. 205 00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:30,428 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. 206 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,096 He's my slave. He's my slave. 207 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,097 He's definitely my slave. 208 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,183 Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! 209 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,977 Oh, boy. 210 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,895 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? 211 00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:41,814 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? 212 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,233 Are you guys kidding me? 213 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,152 Oh, Morty Jr.! 214 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,237 You're gonna be a special Little guy, aren't you? 215 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,406 You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. 216 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,241 Ohh. 217 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,118 Ohh! Ha ha! 218 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,119 Da. 219 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,704 What was that, Morty Jr.? 220 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,664 Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." 221 00:08:58,748 --> 00:08:59,707 Death! 222 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,125 "Dada." 223 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,585 Domination! 224 00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:04,670 Um... "Dada"? 225 00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:06,672 Destruction. Domination. 226 00:09:06,756 --> 00:09:09,133 Nice. 227 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,558 The spider in sector "*C"is still alive. 228 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,560 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. 229 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,562 We're not telling you what to do. 230 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,564 We're just sharing how we feel. 231 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,566 And now weather-- is anyone else cold, 232 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,651 or is it just me? 233 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,739 I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. 234 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,616 I am here if you need to talk. 235 00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,993 - What is this place? - Paradise. 236 00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:38,746 We built it during the great passive-aggression, 237 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,873 when the females separated from the males 238 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,626 due to their increasingly destructive behavior. 239 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:45,127 I am here if you need to talk. 240 00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:47,088 I am here if you need to talk. 241 00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:49,673 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates 242 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,175 to maintain our population. 243 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,637 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. 244 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,640 The females are placed into educational programs 245 00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:00,142 where they can discover a service to our paradise 246 00:10:00,226 --> 00:10:02,061 that fulfills them most. 247 00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:04,396 Males... 248 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,067 ...they get to play outside. 249 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,069 That was just a baby. 250 00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,071 And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- 251 00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:13,989 one of the most aggressively violent creatures 252 00:10:14,073 --> 00:10:15,324 in the universe. 253 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,326 Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian 254 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,787 was born on our planet. 255 00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,376 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! 256 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,920 It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. 257 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,256 Are you the ruler of this Earth? 258 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,341 - How did you know? - The quality of your top. 259 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,260 - Do you love it? - I love it. 260 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,678 I'm here if you need to talk. 261 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,096 I'm here if you need to talk. 262 00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,430 I'm here if you need to talk. 263 00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,183 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. 264 00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:43,018 We will give you passage back home 265 00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:44,436 so it can be terminated. 266 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,105 But first, mojitos. 267 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:47,940 We don't have time for mojitos. 268 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,317 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! 269 00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:52,319 This place is the worst! I want to go home! 270 00:10:52,403 --> 00:10:54,321 Well, it reality doesn't matter what you want, 271 00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:56,532 because this is a sane place where women rule. 272 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,534 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? 273 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,622 I cannot believe my ears! 274 00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:10,963 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? 275 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,048 Grandpa! 276 00:11:13,132 --> 00:11:15,259 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! 277 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,927 It means "father of father." 278 00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,263 Then this one is not your slave, 279 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,765 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. 280 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,976 It's not dominated by us, okay? 281 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,853 On Earth, men and women are equals. 282 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356 Equals?! We make 70%% of your salary for the same job! 283 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,192 - Seize them! - Whoa! 284 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,362 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? 285 00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,824 This is for you, Daddy. 286 00:11:38,908 --> 00:11:40,117 Oh, man! 287 00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:42,286 Um, okay. Listen to me, Morty Jr. 288 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,955 I've got to tell you something very important, okay? 289 00:11:45,039 --> 00:11:46,999 Killing is bad -- bad! 290 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,001 You're silly, Daddy. 291 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,253 No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay? 292 00:11:51,337 --> 00:11:53,088 You need to put your energy into something else. 293 00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,840 I mean, what about dancing? 294 00:11:54,924 --> 00:11:56,300 Would you like to learn how to dance? 295 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,178 I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. 296 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,722 Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! 297 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,226 Daddy, can I go outside? 298 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,769 No! Absolutely not! 299 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,896 But that's where all the people and the animals are. 300 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,148 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- 301 00:12:11,232 --> 00:12:13,150 the air is poisonous for you! 302 00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:14,526 You will die -- you'll die instantly 303 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,445 if you ever leave this house! 304 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,780 You hear me? - For real? 305 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,573 For real times a million, buddy. 306 00:12:19,657 --> 00:12:21,033 So, let's just stay inside, 307 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,035 and, you know, let's try dancing, right? 308 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,037 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. 309 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,914 Come on. Join -- dance with me here. 310 00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,707 We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance? 311 00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,210 'Cause I said so! 312 00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,046 Nice. 313 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,511 So, what are you in for? 314 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,638 Because I got -- I got a big, 315 00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,515 you know, penis between my legs. 316 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,350 What -- what -- what are you in for? 317 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,727 The worst crime a female can commit. 318 00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,354 Veronica Ann Bennett, 319 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,565 I find you guilty of having bad bangs. 320 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,526 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs 321 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,236 always have three names? 322 00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,572 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! 323 00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,951 Pfft! This is gonna be cake. 324 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,119 No! Jackie! 325 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,787 Rick and Summer of Earth, 326 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,956 for the crimes of treason against womankind 327 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:12,376 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak 328 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,962 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- 329 00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,047 What, what, what -- a night on the couch? 330 00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:18,841 - ...death. - Ooh, gerp. 331 00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,718 I hate you so much right now. 332 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,720 This will be the first instance 333 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:24,722 of capital punishment in our society 334 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,391 in 500 years due to our awesomeness, 335 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,435 so we are forced to improvise. 336 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,479 We placed a large boulder on that ledge. 337 00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:35,107 Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! 338 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,109 No! Stop interrupting! 339 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,902 The boulder falls onto a lever 340 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,904 that will launch... knives. 341 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,072 What? 342 00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:43,907 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. 343 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,576 Stop interrupting! 344 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,494 The knives will -- 345 00:13:47,578 --> 00:13:49,872 Fine! You were right the first time, okay? 346 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,498 The boulder crushes you. 347 00:13:51,582 --> 00:13:53,500 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? 348 00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,502 No, just ignore them. Ignore them. 349 00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,171 Such an asshole. 350 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,006 Look, I'm sorry, Summer. 351 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,799 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. 352 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,676 I wish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, 353 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,345 and, you know, for what it's worth, 354 00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,347 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. 355 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,182 Top. My top! 356 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:11,185 My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! 357 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:14,521 Look -- look at the tag. Read it. 358 00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:17,316 It says, "Marc Jacobs." 359 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,444 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis. 360 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,572 Yes. An Earth man made this top. 361 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,366 Maybe on your planet, 362 00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:27,993 separation of the genders is the right thing to do, 363 00:14:28,077 --> 00:14:29,995 but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males 364 00:14:30,079 --> 00:14:31,580 are born gay, 365 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,125 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. 366 00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:36,668 A man made something fashionable? 367 00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:39,671 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, 368 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,382 but it must be accepted. 369 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,384 Like if I told you that you're using 370 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,219 the wrong color foundation for your skin 371 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,054 and it ends at your neck, 372 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,806 making you look like a party clown. 373 00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,100 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... 374 00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:53,977 if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, 375 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,604 you're no better than the men 376 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,940 whose farts shall remain unspoken. 377 00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,942 And if you think my top is cute, 378 00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,944 you cannot execute. 379 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,906 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft 380 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,908 so they may head back to their weird planet, 381 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,036 where women are kind of equal but not really. 382 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,038 Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. 383 00:15:13,122 --> 00:15:14,748 You know, you girls are really something, 384 00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:16,333 I'll tell you that. 385 00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,001 You know when we first go there, I was like -- 386 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,628 Give them a ship now. 387 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,006 Morty Jr.! Smoking?! 388 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,508 That is not okay! 389 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,801 What are you gonna do -- ground me? 390 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,094 I can't go outside anyway! 391 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,847 So what?! You could do things inside! 392 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,099 You could play guitar. You could masturbate. 393 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:34,643 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! 394 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,312 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... 395 00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:39,398 is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! 396 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,066 Love -- that's all you care about! 397 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:42,526 What about weapons?! 398 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,403 What about domination of the enemy?! 399 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,363 All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! 400 00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:48,699 This TV is for cartoons and video games only! 401 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,743 I hate video games! You take that back! 402 00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:53,454 Give it to me! 403 00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,456 Ugh! 404 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,458 I-I-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. 405 00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,126 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. 406 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,628 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... 407 00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,630 than live another minute with you! 408 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:05,966 No! No, no, no! Stop! 409 00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,473 My life has been a lie! 410 00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:14,558 God is dead! The government's lame! 411 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,560 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! 412 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,395 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! 413 00:16:18,479 --> 00:16:20,022 They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! 414 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,024 - Oh, Dad! - Yes, Morty? 415 00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,026 My son is gonna take over the planet, 416 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,569 and I am too young to drive! 417 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,820 Can you help me get him back?! 418 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,824 I suppose, Morty. I suppose. 419 00:16:30,908 --> 00:16:34,828 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass 420 00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:37,998 of "I told you so." 421 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,587 Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! 422 00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:52,763 ? Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, 423 00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,848 burnin' inside ? 424 00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:58,060 ? With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat 425 00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:01,188 and the fire in your pants, open wide ? 426 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,815 ? You're gonna run from the damn cold, 427 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:07,444 but you can't run from your youth ? 428 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,885 Dad, there he is! 429 00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:34,680 Oh, god. Hey, stop that! 430 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,683 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! 431 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,895 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. 432 00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:44,064 It's okay! 433 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,024 Put the car down, Morty Jr. 434 00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,110 No! No! ? Wh-Where's your hands? ? 435 00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,697 ? Where's your hands? ? 436 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,115 My car! 437 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:57,119 ? And that's how we play handy hands ? 438 00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,787 Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! 439 00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,871 - No! - Morty! 440 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,665 That's one of the most violently aggressive 441 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,708 creatures in the universe! 442 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,459 - Ow! - He's my son! 443 00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:08,338 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! 444 00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:15,596 Dad, I'm so confused! 445 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,307 I know, Morty Jr. I'm sorry. 446 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,100 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you 447 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,144 just like my parents did to me. 448 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,563 You know, parents are just kids having kids. 449 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,232 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. 450 00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:29,401 The next minute, you're in a fist fight 451 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,320 with your alien son. 452 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,821 I'm an alien? 453 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,823 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. 454 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,617 We just have to learn to channel them 455 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,327 into something constructive. 456 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,912 But I want to murder everyone I see. 457 00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:42,748 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there 458 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,416 for people that feel that way. 459 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917 Actuality, there is. 460 00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,878 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of 461 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,088 the nationality syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." 462 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,090 You should consider being a creative. 463 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,800 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts 464 00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:55,552 of mutilation and sexual assault 465 00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:57,387 on a near daily basis. 466 00:18:57,471 --> 00:18:59,973 But, you know, I channel it all into my work. 467 00:19:00,057 --> 00:19:01,683 - Oh. Wow. - Huh. 468 00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,769 I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." 469 00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:05,312 Well, did you get the impression 470 00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,522 I was trying to make you laugh? 471 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,901 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. 472 00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,111 Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Jr.? 473 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:15,322 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. 474 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,366 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted 475 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,660 to see my face on the back of a novel. 476 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:22,663 I mean, what I reality want to do is slit people’s throats, 477 00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:23,830 but beyond that... 478 00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:26,124 I know you can do it, son. 479 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,543 I think it's time I get a place of my own. 480 00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:31,380 I promise I'll call you every day I need money 481 00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:33,590 or a place to do laundry. 482 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,636 Aaaaaaah! 483 00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:43,350 So, I assume this novel your son writes 484 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:46,812 is gonna pay for my rear axle? 485 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,522 Isn't it interesting, Summer, 486 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,524 that after all that stuff we just did, 487 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,609 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? 488 00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:54,653 Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? 489 00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,072 Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate 490 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,324 your policy about taking girls on adventures? 491 00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:01,451 No. I'd say, given what we've been through, 492 00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:02,953 that I was right the whole time 493 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,955 and any epiphanies about gender politics were 494 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,832 a projection of your feminine insecurity. 495 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,376 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? 496 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,461 Go ride around and have a jolly old time. 497 00:20:11,545 --> 00:20:13,672 Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer? 498 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,298 Where were you guys this whole time? 499 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,883 On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? 500 00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:18,510 I was reading a newspaper. 501 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,971 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. 502 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,348 I-I-l heard about a little bit of news myself. 503 00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:25,475 Take a look. T-Take a listen. 504 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:30,731 Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs! 505 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:32,482 This this world 506 00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:34,651 Still got a -- it's still got a chance! 507 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,319 Yeah! Ha ha! 508 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,946 See you -- see you guys next week! 509 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,489 See everybody next week. 510 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,812 Mortimer Smith, Jr., 511 00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:12,439 New York Times bestselling author, 512 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,441 your book is about innocence, the definition of it, 513 00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,443 and, inevitably, its impossibility. 514 00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,278 Is it autobiographical? 515 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,529 Certainly. 516 00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:22,449 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. 517 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,410 But my, uh -- 518 00:21:25,494 --> 00:21:28,163 My father kept me locked in the house 519 00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,665 until I was a teenager. 520 00:21:30,749 --> 00:21:32,459 And there was violence 521 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:35,587 and, uh, threats of poison gas -- 522 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,339 but also dancing. 523 00:21:37,422 --> 00:21:39,466 But you persevered and created this masterpiece 524 00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:40,842 from your suffering. 525 00:21:40,926 --> 00:21:43,512 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," 526 00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,472 in every store and on everyone's mind. 527 00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:47,265 Pick it up. We’ll be right back. 528 00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:48,850 It's a thankless job, Morty. 529 00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:50,018 You did the best you could. 530 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,521 I hope he's eating enough. 531 00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:55,482 Did you get any of that? 532 00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:57,567 It's a good-a show!